On Regret…
More than anything else, I regret the time I’ve wasted on regrets.
Mistakes and missed opportunities can be soul-crushing. One’s past should be a source of knowledge and wisdom for the future, but unfortunately, we sometimes let it dominate our present. Don’t relegate your fate to the past. That being said, everyone needs time to process their pain. Personally, I always let myself feel. I rest, cry, share, and write in order to deal with the emotions, but I do not repress my feelings. If, after some time has passed, I’m still saddened or hurt, I ask myself “Why?” To dwell on a mistake is to dwell on the emotions that flow from it. Doesn’t it make more sense to solve problems than to focus on how they make me feel? When I know it’s time to move on, I usually ask myself the following questions:
- Was this really a mistake, or was it out of my control?
- What can I learn from this mistake?
- What could I have done differently?
- What can I do to remedy the consequences (How can I solve the problem that caused this)?
- If there is nothing I can do, how can I learn to accept the past?
If we don’t work toward a resolution, precious time is wasted. Regret kills motivation. After some time, you may start to withdraw and neglect your responsibilities. It will eventually destroy your discipline. As you know, many people turn to drugs and alcohol because they can’t deal with the realities of their lives. Please remember that these things don’t make you weak or bad. They just aren’t effective ways of coping. They do nothing to solve your problems or to help discover the source of your sadness. I understand that this is an extreme example, but if you have trouble dealing with your life, your coping mechanics may be equally ineffective.
I’d like to use myself as an example. I dealt with regret using procrastination and distraction. In college, I would watch videos or play games for hours, then rush to finish assignments. Sometimes I would play guitar and hang out in our robotics club, shooting the breeze with friends. I smiled often, but I was so very unhappy. I regretted my decision to pursue mechanical engineering, and I thought that my future was hopeless. Eventually, my performance at work was affected. I resigned from my position because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I nearly failed out of college, so I decided to take a semester off. After some time without responsibilities, I finished college through sheer force of will and the help of dear friends.
Though I graduated, my despair persisted. I was still lost. I decided to take some more time off, but really it was just a year wallowing in defeat. I started working for my brother, and here I am, a year after that. I have some jobs that are just enough to pay my bills, but I am not where I want to be. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well, what’s going to be different this time? Why should I listen to you if you haven’t tasted success yet?” I’ll tell you why. I have finally accepted that I am not going to be a mechanical engineer. This isn’t because I can’t; I believe everyone has the potential to learn through hard work. I finally accepted that my future must be determined by me and nothing else. To answer your second question, I have found my small measure of success. I am no longer unhappy. I am focused, and if you know me well enough, that is a huge accomplishment in itself.
I’ve finally developed discipline. I work on my writing and myself religiously. Sometimes I must remind myself to eat and sleep. I love what I do! One thing that helped me recently was speaking to my parents about changing my pursuits. I was afraid that my father would be disappointed in me, but he was actually very supportive. The most we can do for anyone is to support their goals and ambitions while being honest about the hardships that may face them. I would not be here if it weren’t for the people in my life. I am thankful for them. Before now, I felt that my field of study dictated my future. I had no sense of direction, and I was getting rejected from every job interview I had. Perhaps they could sense my lack of passion. I’ve realized that I should spend my time getting rejected for jobs I want, rather than wasting time with those I don’t. 😉
After a great deal of introspection, I found the questions from the beginning of this post to be the ones that focused me the most. They allowed me to cut through all of my negative emotions and find my personal truths. Here’s what I came up with:
Was this really a mistake, or was it out of my control?
The fact that I chose mechanical engineering was a mistake in hindsight. I was set on pursuing cultural anthropology, since I love learning about other cultures. I had enjoyed history, writing, and seeing photography from around the world. However, I chose mechanical engineering because I thought it was the best way to help people. I didn’t see how a degree in cultural anthropology would let me do that.
What can I learn from this mistake?
I learned a long time ago that great care and caution should go into large life decisions. I should have done research on these fields of study. Also, due to procrastination and apathy, I only selected one school in my applications. That was incredibly stupid. I have changed since then, and I would never make that decision so hastily today. During my time in school, I still had a chance to transfer to another university. Instead, I caved in to the fear that everyone would see me as a failure, and that I would have to start over. In the other hand, I’ve met some amazing people along the way, and who knows how things would have turned out otherwise. I am part of a wonderful group who have helped me through hard times. That dingy old robotics club saved my life.
What could I have done differently?
As I mentioned above, I could have given things more time and thought. I could have transferred and studied my field of choice. However, you must remember that I was a naive kid at the time. I can’t be too hard on that kid; he didn’t know any better. A key step in moving past regret is forgiving yourself.
What can I do to remedy the consequences (How can I solve the problem that caused this)?
I cannot grieve lost time. It does nothing to help me, and it wastes even time. I spend TWO YEARS in indecision and sorrow over things I couldn’t change. What I can do is pursue my real passions. I started this blog is to create a portfolio of my work, increasing my potential for a career in journalism, photography, or writing. It has become so much more since then. The blog is a way for me to confront my problems head-on, like I’ve done in this article. Each philosophical post assists me in understanding my problems, so here I am, sharing this experience with you. Besides the blog, I am working on several articles for a newspaper, and I would like to pursue travel writing. As I said before, if I’m getting rejected from jobs I don’t want, why am I not spending that time getting rejected from jobs I do? Why go through all of that heartache to find a career I hate? In the meantime, my part-time jobs will keep me afloat. If you have any more advice on what I should do, I’d love some!
If there is nothing I can do, how can I learn to accept the past?
Well, there are things I can do, but the question of accepting the past is a valid one. If I were to think of my past self as a separate person, what would I tell him? Would I forgive him? Yes, because I know that people change and that we all make mistakes. What about all of those years I lost? I would not be who I am today if it weren’t for those formative years, who’s to say I’d be better or worse? Let’s just keep moving forward, man. 🙂
Anyway, that’s enough about me. I hope that my story can help someone else out there. Though I have a stronger sense of direction, I would still appreciate any I can get. I would especially like to hear from those who have dealt with similar problems in the past. Looking forward, I’ll tackle an equally challenging issue in a future post: fear. As always, thank you for taking the time to visit my humble site.
-Miles